Disclaimer: This is pure satire—none of this actually happened. PopeLeoXIV.com is an independent satire site. Not affiliated with the Vatican, the Holy See, or Pope Leo XIV.
VATICAN CITY — In a surprise encyclical issued via a TikTok dance and a 37-slide Instagram story, Pope Leo XIV declared climate change “an act of collective mortal sin” and announced that the entire Vatican City would transition to 100% solar power by Pentecost.
Standing beside a newly installed Tesla Supercharger in St. Peter’s Square, Leo XIV—known for his eco-forward agenda and controversial decision to replace holy water with electrolyte-infused “Blessed Liquid”—called on all Catholics to “repent for your carbon footprints.”
“Our Lord walked everywhere,” the pope said, gesturing toward the dome of St. Peter’s, now covered in solar panels. “If Jesus could haul a cross without emitting a single gram of CO₂, so can you.”
In addition to the solar overhaul, the papal fleet of black Mercedes has been replaced with electric scooters branded “Popemobiles Lite™.” One cardinal was reportedly hospitalized after attempting to ride one in full vestments.
The Pope also introduced new “green indulgences,” granting remission of sins in exchange for sustainable behavior. Examples include:
Recycling: 10 days off Purgatory
Going vegan during Lent: 6 months off
Installing a bidet: automatic canonization (pending plumbing inspection)
Not everyone is on board. A faction of conservative bishops released a statement accusing the Pope of “worshipping the sun,” to which Leo XIV responded, “Only in the most Catholic sense.”
Meanwhile, the Pontifical Swiss Guard has ditched halberds in favor of compostable spears and biodegradable armor made from recycled Vatican Christmas cards.
When asked about the Church’s future, Pope Leo XIV concluded, “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Let’s stop setting it all on fire.”
At press time, the Vatican had unveiled plans for “Laudato Sí Coin,” a carbon-neutral cryptocurrency redeemable for rosary beads, indulgences, or eco-confessions via Zoom.
Disclaimer: This is pure satire—none of this actually happened. PopeLeoXIV.com is an independent satire site. Not affiliated with the Vatican, the Holy See, or Pope Leo XIV.